She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
