i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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