Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
