I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
