I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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