I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
