Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
