dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
