so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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