he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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