i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
