my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
