watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
