I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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