I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
