So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
