You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
