I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
