Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
