"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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