i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Houston, we have a blender
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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