I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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