I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
