Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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