She's JV to your varsity
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
