Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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