Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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