I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
