I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Say something about gay babies.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
