Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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