you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
