I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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