No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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