I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize