peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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