I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
