So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
