I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
