the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
