Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
