ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
