i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
