party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
