Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
