Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
