last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
