i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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