i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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