i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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