My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
