I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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