so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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