I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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